I OBJECT.

It's Monday. I'm sorry. Let's just dive in, shall we?

Looking past the fact that this appears to be a very sad story, let's focus in on the copy.

I'm pretty sure this is in the dictionary under "clunktastic." 

I made it super-big so y'all can see it. I know it spills over a bit. Sacrifices! Now, we could do an in-depth rewrite here. But I don't think y'all have that kind of time. Here are the highlights: in the third line, there appears to be some capital letter confusion, as well as a missing comma. The fourth line features an m instead of an n. I also would probably have put a hyphen between 25 and year. Also, also, I wouldn't have capitalized probably. The fifth line is missing a g and another hyphen. That missing g turns up in the sixth line, but a comma or two have gone astray. And finally, for the grand finale, that last line features a reward for all your trouble up to this point. Purgery while under oath? Is that like vomiting on the stand? Or when you just can't stop talking? Who knows. PERJURY. That's the one about lying. The one you mean. I can understand not knowing some of the grammar rules in the world, but you can look perjury up in a dictionary. You can even look up purgery, and find perjury, as I was able to.

How do we convince people that no one will take them seriously if they don't take themselves seriously? Or do most people really not care about these things, and it's just us, alone on this island? If it is, I call dibs on the leftover pizza. It's MINE. GET YOUR OWN.

(Thanks, SH, for this submission!)